I heard if I don't update LJ will close a journal, and I need to keep this one around, as dangerous as that might be. Anywhore, yeah. An update. Woot.

I'm beginning a new journal.

www.livejournal.com/users/doubtthetrust

Yeah. I'll delete this one soon. The new one will be Friends Only.

YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT US By Placebo

If it's a bad day, you try to suffocate
Another memory scarred
If it's a bad case, then you accelerate,
you're in the getaway car

You don't care about us
You don't care about us
You don't care about us
You don't care about us

If it's a bad case, you're on the rampage
Another memory scarred
You're at the wrong place, you're on the back page,
you're in the getaway car

You don't care about us
You don't care about us
You don't care about us
You don't care about us

It's your age, It's my rage
It's your age, It's my rage

You're too complicated, we should separate it
You're just confiscating, you're exasperating
This degeneration, mental masturbation
Think I'll leave it all behind, save this bleeding heart of mine

It's a matter of trust
It's a matter of trust
It's a matter of trust
It's a matter of trust
Because
You don't care about us
You don't care about us
You don't care about us
You don't care about us

It's your age, It's my rage
It's your age, It's my rage

Oh, wow. Mommy got me the HIM calendar for Christmas, she told me.

And my Aunt Salina was going to get me Deep Shadows and Brilliant Highlights, but I had to call and tell them not to because Madelyne got it for me already.

Mom also might get me other things from Hot Topic but I'm not sure what yet.

Aaaaaand, I've updated my band's site. Mad's bio is done, and we've got lyrics up now, too. www.geocities.com/sevenlivelysins Sign the guestbook, friends! Please?

We're going to add some live pictures soon, but I don't have any on this computer. And hopefully Justin will email me his shit soon, too. Come on, man, answer your damn phone, LOL

Anywhore...yeah. Still working on little website updates here and there.

Here's a link to a gorgeous Stefan pic, http://stefanolsdal.no.sapo.pt/swg086.jpg , so this post is legit picturally and whatnot.

For anyone interested in my band, I've got us a small website going, and updated it today. www.geocities.com/sevenlivelysins Please, sign the guestbook! Thanks. :)

Bored.

Very bored.

So. Comment and ask me three questions. I can't find any good surveys myself so you guys can make me a survey. ANYTHING you want to know about me. But if I know you already know it and are dredging it up to embarrass me (ie, Penny asking what I did on my 17th birthday and haven't done since, or Aaron asking me about a skateboarder), I won't answer it.

I hope everyone on my LJ F-list will do this for me to help kill the boredom. Thanks!

Take the quiz: "What Kind Of Weapon Are you?"

Screwdriver
You're the Screwdriver. This says a few things about you... First off... You're psychotic. Yes, you're insane. COME ON, who uses a SCREWDRIVER to KILL someone? That's pretty screwed up, if you catch my drift. Out of all the weapons you might not be the most destructive or effective but you're definitely the most unorthodox and well... Deranged. Somebody has to have something seriously wrong in their head to even consider using you. Oh well, at least people don't expect you. You hit them when they're not ready and that makes for a quick kill, if you can strike in the right place. Basically... You've got a screw loose.

I've decided something.

After stumbling upon the xanga of Sam (through a link on Joe's xanga), I've realized that Eddie gets what he deserves.

He is dating possibly the most ridiculous, grammatically-retarded, immature little bitch ever. And it's hilarious because I know how much better he is than that, and it's going to be so great when he realizes how dumb he's been.

And I'm not just saying this. It's really fucking funny.

www.xanga.com/lostpunksoul901

~In Wisconsin~

You look as good
As when I knew you
You're still a dickface
I see right you

You met Paul McCartney
You met Ravi Shankar
I once called you Marty
And now I call you a whore

Your picture's everywhere
I threw them all away
But still they're on the websites
In the bright lights
Waving to me
From those long nights

Your picture's everywhere
With your smile that way
And so I can't let you go
Although I know
I'll never be there
At your next show

You're taking that girl
That I most hated
Back to the hotel
To play with later

You don't see your wife
'Cause you're a fucker
And you're in Wisconsin
Well, ain't she lucky

Your picture's everywhere
I threw them all away
But still they're on the websites
In the bright lights
Waving to me
From those long nights

Your picture's everywhere
With your smile that way
And so I can't let you go
Although I know
I'll never be there
At your next show

You've dropped the
Real people
You've screwed your
Self over
You've crushed Sa-
cred steeples
For conni-
ving lovers

Your picture's everywhere
I smirk at it today
But still your reputation
And frustration
Reminds me of
The situation

Your picture's everywhere
I tossed it to the flame
And I am turning
With this yearning
Wondering if
You are learning

Anything

Anything
Learning anything
Anything...

Fuck off.

Okay, so...I have this idea brewing. An idea for a book. Or for a series of poems or a short story or a set of related songs or for a play. Whatever it is, I have to get it out.

This

http://www.livejournal.com/users/valomolkogirl/2004/02/17/

is a summary I wrote about ten months ago, of something that I went through a long time ago. A lot of you have already read it.

It doesn't end there, though. What's there, that whole entire story...it's since continued. I've been filled in on it by girls still following his band, things like that. And there's a lot that's happened that back then I didn't see coming but should have.

And I want to write SOMETHING including all of what's there, and then the shadowy, pensive restrospection of three years' time thrown over it. I don't know yet what I'll write. But I have to do it. I have to create to get it out of my system. Otherwise I'll fucking kill Erin for the way things were then and are now.

If you've read that link above or are at least aware of its contents, I guess I'll just tell you then.

No, wait, fuck that. I'll wait until I write something real out of it.

They say misery loves company, but I think misery and inspiration also go hand in hand quite well.

Alright! We finally have a home online, albeit a temporary one.

www.geocities.com/sevenlivelysins

Justin, Steph -

I'm working on a temporary website. Write yourselves each a bio for it and email it to me, k?

And include your influences.

I love the new DVD. Like, a lottle.

Highlights, things I giggled the hardest at, and my favourite Stefan moments:

-The re-hashing of the Billy Pumpkin story.

-Stefan saying "CUM SHOT!" during the Nancy Boy commentary.

-Steve's anger problem - the fountain story. -giggles madly- Big strong macho man.

-Stefan swearing in Italian. That was just hot for some reason.

-"Dr. Stef" during Special K and "Jesus Korn" during ESR.

-Stef talking about how shy he is and inside he's a little kid scared of the big, nasty world. I was like....-jumps through screen and cuddles him endlessly-

-Another testament to Brian and I seeing eye-to-eye on so many things: when he talked about never having a proper job because he always knew music was going to be it, and you can't do anything to impair that. And that if you burn your bridges, there's really no other option for you. That just about made me cry. He's living proof, people! It'll work, trust me. :)

-And...the Seal story. Is it just me, or does that really have a feel of Led Zeppelin about it?

-"The director for Nancy Boy and Bruise Pristine has this obsession with the image of milk dripping off of skin. That *must* imply *something*. I *can't imagine* what." -Brian

-Gotta love how Brian's train of thought/conversation veers off into something sexual every other goddamned second.

Actually, screw "Highlights". I just loved every second of that DVD. Especially Spite and Malice. -drools over Stef's gorgeous chest-


I called Andy last night and told him he has to see this DVD, and he's supposed to be coming over today. He said he'd call me when he woke up. I'm glad to hear his voice again. I miss him. I assured him yesterday that I really do want to be friends - I'm not trying to lead him on or string him along or anything. He means too much to me as a person for that. I respect him and love him, but I just can't be in a relationship right now. I hope he understands that.

Aaron put me on a mission to jot down a bunch of quotes from the DVD and post them on PW today. Since I've nothing better to do, I'm certainly up to the task.

Until then...bored. A bit hungry. Miss DVD already.

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE ME:
01 | Failure.
02 | Brandon Cole Margera.
03 | Myself.

THREE PEOPLE WHO MAKE ME LAUGH:
01 | Aaron.
02 | Steph.
03 | Sarah.

THREE THINGS I HATE RIGHT NOW:
01 | Everything.
02 | The holidays.
03 | My inadequacies.

THREE THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND:
01 | Homophobia, racisms, other hatred.
02 | Why Stefan doesn't live in my bedroom.
03 | How Bush got re-elected.

THREE THINGS I'D LIKE TO LEARN:
01 | How to speak fluent French.
02 | How to self-tattoo.
03 | How to have a sensible, actual relationship.

THREE THINGS I'M DOING RIGHT NOW:
01 | Roleplaying with mah bitches! I don't know their names cause I don't need to!
02 | Listening to Sleater-Kinney.
03 | Torturing Smidgen the cat.

THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE:
01 | Meet Placebo.
02 | Play a show at the Metro, at the very least.
03 | When I die I want it to be in New Orleans.

THREE THINGS I CAN DO:
01 | Write fairly decent limericks and song spoofs.
02 | Cheer people up.
03 | Fantasize and be able to perfectly and with great detail imagine things.

THREE WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY PERSONALITY:
01 | A whirling mass of contradictions.
02 | Hermit.
03 | Slave to my muses.

THREE GOOD THINGS ABOUT MY PERSONALITY:
01 | I'm very assertive although most people call it stubborn.
02 | I do my best to make people happy.
03 | I'm a good conversationalist.

THREE BAD THINGS ABOUT MY PERSONALITY:
01 | Nostalgia takes me over too often.
02 | I lead people on.
03 | I despise so many things about myself and resolve to change them and never do.

THREE THINGS I HAVE CRIED ABOUT LATELY:
01 | Her.
02 | Little things that pester me way more than they should.
03 | Books and songs.

THREE THINGS I THINK YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO:
01 | Placebo.
02 | HIM.
03 | The SID AND NANCY soundtrack.

THREE THINGS I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO EVER:
01 | Advice. You have to learn things for yourself or else you'll never really completely understand them.
02 | The opinions of other people.
03 | CKY. -smirkie-

THREE THINGS I SAY THE MOST:
01 | "I don't even know."
02 | "-insert Oscar Wilde quote here-"
03 | "I miss New Orleans."

THREE OF YOUR ABSOLUTE FAVORITE FOODS:
01 | Primo's pizza.
02 | Mac and cheese.
03 | Popcorn.

THREE BEVERAGES YOU DRINK REGULARLY:
01 | Water.
02 | Sprite.
03 | Tea. Kalahari red tea, mmm....

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO:
01 | Oscar Wilde's grave.
02 | The catacombs.
03 | To see frescoes and Botticelli paintings in Venice. I never will. But I want to.

THREE NAMES THAT YOU GO BY:
01 | Bosie.
02 | Mona.
03 | Cherish.

THREE NAMES OF PETS YOU HAVE OR HAD:
01 | Kitty or Mr. Kitty. Greatest cat ever.
02 | Marius and Amadeo (goldfish.)
03 | Monkeybird.

THREE BOOKS YOU LOVE
01 | The Picture of Dorian Gray.
02 | The Vampire Armand.
03 | They Shall Know Our Velocity!

THREE FILMS YOU LOVE
01 | Wilde.
02 | Velvet Goldmine.
03 | The Wizard of Oz.

THREE SONGS YOU LOVE
01 | "Strange" by Tori Amos.
02 | "Lady Stardust" by David Bowie.
03 | "Gorgeous" by The Start.

Unfortunately, I didn't have 'Swede Dreams!' like I'd hoped I would. That would've been fabulous. But when I finally got to sleep around 2:15 in the morning, here's what I dreamt:

I dreamt first that I had a horse, a beautiful, strong, adult horse with a brown hide and a long black tail and black mane. I don't remember what I ended up naming it but I was on the phone with Aaron and he helped me pick the name. She lived in my dad's backyard (it was summer) and I took her food and water, and I rode her to the currency exchange so I could cash my check.

Awhile after that I had a bunch of visitors: kids from Maine and from Open Mic were having a huge party in my garage, and I was there but I was uninterested. I was sitting in the corner talking to someone while the party raged on. Andy was there, too, and Christian Slater as he looked in HEATHERS.

Me and Andy followed Christian for some reason to the airport, and were lost a bit in the maze of escalators and the like.

We ended up on an ascending escalator that led us to this weird sort of training place. Christian was forgotten as we had to hold onto this moving ladder thing and find the way to get to different ones. It was like...a high-tech Frogger-esque crazy minefield of a relay race. Its bounds grew high above the city - with each step of it we completed, the next one took us higher into the air. After finally reaching the top, we took hold of some handles that were attached to strings. Were we to fall the strings would come, too, so that we wouldn't actually hit the ground. Kinda like a bungee.

Well, we didn't fall. A small plane came to pick us up, helping us both up into its warm confines. We flew for about two minutes, wondering where they were taking us (and the other dozen or so people on the plane) before we dropped.

Stopped, midair, and just began to fall.

Everyone on board survived the landing somehow, a landing that implied that we had air mattresses under our plane, or something just as likely to be used as a wonderful buffer. We were barely jarred. We heard noises all around, though, and rushed out of the plane.

Downtown Chicago was being bombarded with falling airplanes, torn apart each time one dropped and exploded amongst us. We ran out in the open, so that we could see them without the obstruction of the buildings - they fell into lake Michigan near us. People screamed and ran everywhere. We got into a cafe where people were huddling for safety, and found Allie and George from Maine.

Then I woke up.

FUCKED UP. Really disturbing. I hate sometimes the fact that I dream in color and that the dreams are so vivid. It's not fair to the potentially gleeful atmosphere of my morning that my experiences in the dream world should damage it. I woke up shaking and that's never good.

I'm skipping work today (Aaron, you predicted that one!) because my back still hurts and just staying here with the heating pad does seem appealing. Yes. The heating pad, roleplay, and the Placebo DVD.

Ohhhh, the Placebo DVD!

I re-read posts on her old journal because I self-deprecate like whoa. Because I can't stand being happy knowing she's gone for good. Because I fucking deserve every bit of pain and nostalgia that comes out of my clicking "ange_de_noir".

Bernadette and I are writing a roleplay right now and I play Louis.

"I thought of her, always of her, watching the snowflakes fall and thinking that maybe if I stared hard enough I would see her under them, exclaiming as she caught some on her little tongue. And these fantasies had another figure now, sleek and clothed in black, laughing with her and watching her with an appreciative eye. Merrick. My Merrick and My Claudia, existing together in the flurry of snow, witch to witch ... woman to woman. I could hear Merrick's laughter sprinkle out and spread glitter over all the snowflakes, hearing Claudia's tinkerbell giggles follow it. They embraced, holding each other in the cold, Merrick whispering secrets to her that made her smile. Were they about me? Of course they were. I saw this all in my head and so of course they were talking about me - am I that egotistical? Or am I just that much of a masochist, to want them to whisper about me still, to say unloving things to me. Even in my head I was not merciful. There was no shirking from this guilt."

I feel as if I make a good Louis. I feel as if I know.

He had all but signed himself over to the fate of letting her go; he had created Madeleine in order to give her that much, to allow some tangible being through which to put distance between them. Because he wanted Armand. Selfishly, maybe, but then he had been doting on her for so long that he needed a change of scenery, someone else to dote on.

But I don't think if she ever called out to him he would have not remembered whose voice it was. That he would have broken off conversations with her so that he could speak instead to Armand, whose rich voice held different notes and whose lifestyle held different promises. Claudia lived on dreams and Armand lived then in the immediate, in the lavish, the strange and the lustrous and as vampires apparently, as far as Louis could know, were supposed to live. And so Louis made his hasty choice. And so I made mine.

"And all my passion went with her golden hair."

Call me emo. Say I should relax. Tell me that I really need to just...find a distraction, get my mind off of it.

Just don't turn your back on me. I need you all.

All these friends that have been so amazing lately, these people who have turned from acquaintances into confidants so quickly, because I needed them to be. There's a lot of you who've been really helpful lately, whether or not I showed it at the time.

I may cry whilst you speak to me and act as if I can't hear you but I can. I file the assurances away for later and recall them in all their brilliance when I am most in need.

If there is any sanity left in me, it is because of those friends whose phone lines are always made unoccupied for my tears, whose fingers type furiously at unreal things in message boxes that take me to another place with other people, whose sleeves are wrought with marks of my sadness, whose arms drop everything to encase me in them. I love you guys.

But I just don't know how to make it anymore. How to function. How to care anything above 'fuck all' about my grades. My future. My well-being. My health. My music.

The momentary happiness of having bought the new Placebo DVD will only take someone so far. Then the sun goes down and I'm left with a view out my window that matches the numb, black pain that seems to touch every inch of me.

I need....I don't know what I need.

Cavegirl makes a grand entrance and says: "ME. WANT. SWEDE."

-Claws at screen in unabashed lust-

http://www.geocities.com/placeboportugal/fotos/stef3.jpg

Gaaaaaahh.

Okay, so. I got the new Placebo DVD. I watched Spite and Malice and can't watch anymore right now because I swear to god, there were some actual hands-free Olsdalgasms going on. DEAR FUCKING LORD. His chest! The intense look he was giving Justin Warfield!!! It's just too much.

I watched that vid twice and now feel as if I need a cigarette from the mere viewing of it. It's just...wow.

-twitches-

Guess what it is?

DANCING QUEEN BY ABBA!!!

How cool is that?

http://www.eveandersson.com/photos/usa/la/new-orleans/french-quarter-courtyard-large.jpg

Isn't that gorgeous?

I was watching the sun going down from my back porch today and it reminded me of the sun going down in New Orleans, the way its waning rays would catch certain things...is it ridiculous that I related something so distant to New Orleans? I don't know. I just miss it. -sigh-